In Which I Lament About Save-the-Dates

In recent weeks, my Betrothed and I had an particularly touching conversation:

Me: So I'm doing wedding research, and apparently we're supposed to send out save-the-date cards 4-6 months in advance.
Betrothed: Dude, that's...right now. I thought you weren't sure about doing save-the-date cards?
Me: I know. I see the purpose of sending them, but they cost so much money. And you know how I feel about unnecessarily spending money.
Betrothed: Yes. You'd rather spend an entire day interviewing Ghaddafi while running from a pack of rabid ferrets.
Me: Yes. That is exactly how I feel.
Betrothed: So maybe we send out email save-the-dates? It gets the job done, and it's cheap.
Me: Oh, thank God. No Ghaddafi or rabid ferrets. Although in the end, aren't they really the same thing?

And so, it was settled: we'd do email save-the-dates. I momentarily hesitated about this breach of convention, worrying that we might ruffle some old-fashioned feathers with our newfangled technological e-mail notices. But then I decided: if someone gets all kerfluffled about it being too modern, too bad for them. They can go flagellate themselves with their dial-up modem cord.

I'd rather be chased by the amalgamation of all nightmarish things than spend money on unnecessary items (like thematic save-the-dates)

However, upon logging onto a wedding industry website (which shall remain nameless) to see if they had recommendations for how to send e-save the dates, it took me no time at all to find all manner of absurdity regarding such staples of wedding planning:

It's okay to send your guests a wedding save the date by email, but don't forget that this is the first introduction your guests will have to your wedding. A lot of couples are imagining unique ways to incorporate their theme. Having a destination wedding? Send save the date invitations as messages in a bottle, or design them to look like vintage tropical postcards. For a rustic country wedding, consider branding your save the date on a wooden coaster. 

Per the usual: are they fucking kidding me?

Ok, first of all: what's with the idea that this is the first "introduction" that my guests will have to my wedding and that it will, therefore, require more than the information needed to, ya know, save the date? The first time I read that phrase, my immediate reaction was "Yeah, so?" (Yes, I'm a 5th grader in a 30-year-old's body.) But seriously: so what? Are people going to be thrown into gaping chasms of despair if they don't get a glimpse into my (nonexistent) color scheme? Are they going to recoil in disgust if I fail to imagine inventive ways to incorporate my (also nonexistent) theme into card stock?

No.

If they pay close attention to such things and are disappointed by the fact that I don't, well, too bad. They can spend loads of money on the perfect save-the-date for their own wedding, but for me...again with the Ghaddafi and rabid ferrets. 'Nuff said.

Secondly, branding onto a wooden coaster? Where the hell do they get these ideas!? It's like they jumped off the Good Ship Sanity and took a flying leap onto the Carnival Cruise Line of Extravagant Shit. Now they're sitting on the sun deck, sipping margaritas made of the sweet nectar of the MIC. I mean, really: I'd have to sell a kidney on the black market -- probably to some shady mofo who leaves me with non-sterile, rudimentary stitches, packed in a bath tub filled with ice -- to cover the postage for 200 wooden coasters.

Moreover, though, how does one even acquire wooden coasters to be branded upon, let alone a vendor who just happens to brand things? Does one find an artistically gifted but woefully bored ranch hand who can custom design and create a beautiful brand using hearts, doves, and relevant information about the wedding? If so, why not send out a save the date properly branded onto a cow, and you can send an entire bovine to each person who'll be invited? Now that would be an awesome introduction to your wedding.

Actually, now that I think about it, maybe branding is the way to go.