Friday, June 24, 2011

In Which I Lament My Recent Absence from the Blogosphere

If memory serves (and since this is one of my favorite movies, I'm going to say it does), Diane Keaton remarked in The Father of the Bride that weddings "happen every day, in every country in the world."  This would lead most rational people to the logical conclusion that weddings would not consume all one's free time.

This conclusion would be wrong.

In my experience since I last updated this blog, the wedding has, in fact, consumed all my free time.  I've been waking up in a cold sweat in the middle of the night, worrying about loose ends that have to be tied up before July 30.  I've been in the middle of my daily exercise routine when I've lost my balance on the treadmill because I became worried about thank you notes.  Yes, folks: lost sleep and minor injuries have all ensued at the hands of my impending nuptials.

The way I see it, weddings are like zombies: they both try really hard to eat your brain.
Make no mistake: weddings are ruthless and will stop at nothing in their pursuit of your brain.

This has left me with very little time for blogging.  However, since blogging has generally been cathartic for me throughout this whole process, I'm going to write more as I make the final turn and enter the home stretch.  One last sprint to the finish, and then the big day will be upon me.

Hot damn.

In the midst of my rapidly-increasing excitement, however, I've been bombarded by the marriage-industrial complex through nearly every possible means of communication.  Most notably, my mailbox and my phone.  I'm practically getting buried in this stuff.

Death by marriage-industrial complex
Almost once per week, I get a wedding catalog filled with what can only be described as some of the most heinous, kitchy shit imaginable on planet earth.  Champagne flutes engraved with interlocking hearts  proclaiming that two hearts have become one, so-called "timeless treasures" gifts for groomsmen, and handkerchiefs embroidered with the phrase "Remember the day/you gave me away" for the mother of the bride.

As I peruse these catalogs, I find myself continually hoping that they're just satirical, and that people don't actually buy this stuff.  Apparently, though, I'm very much in the minority for not wanting these items, which are -- obviously -- totally unique and utterly personal, despite being mass-manufactured.

My personal favorite, however, is the apparel.  Flip-flops that say "Just Married," tank tops that say "Bride," skivvies that have "The Future Mrs. (Your Husband's Name Here)" on the ass.  This begs the question: what kind of morally bankrupt, tradition-hating young lady doesn't want a bikini with "Just Married" emblazoned in rhinestones across the crotch?  Good people, I ask you: is this what society is coming to? IS IT?!

In addition to the catalogs, I've gotten offers for specialty bridal tanning packages (your pictures will be ruined if you look washed out in white!), stationery, jewelery, and underwear.  A new low, however, came when my phone rang one night during dinner.  It was a number I didn't recognize, so I let it go to voicemail.  Instead of leaving a message, though, they called again.  This usually signals to me that something is urgent, so I picked it up.

"Hi!" Exclaimed an incredibly chipper voice on the other end of the line, "This is (woman you've never met or heard of) from Mary Kay! I hear you're getting married soon, and I wanted to offer you my services for all your bridal needs!"

I tried to bow out by saying that my wedding is in Colorado, so I'd be doing all my make-up there.  But she persisted, talking about how she also has bridal packages for the months leading up to the wedding -- after all, a bride has to ensure that her skin is fully prepared and perfectly flawless for her big day.

Oh, sweet Jesus.

I explained that I planned to stick with my regular skincare routine and thanked her for her time, but for a few days afterwards, I half-expected to see a carrier pigeon staring at me from the deck while bearing catalogs and offers of cosmetics.

As the official carrier pigeon of the wedding industry, it comes replete with a pink bow for all the pigeon-friendly brides out there.


  1. BUAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! I've been there, girl. Keep fighting the good fight! The worst is after the wedding when the place(s) you've registered with start sending you the "YOU NEED ALL THIS SHIT YOU REGISTERED FOR! BUY IT NOW TO ERASE THE SHAME OF NOT BEING LOVED ENOUGH FOR OTHERS TO BUY THIS SHIT FOR YOU!!!!!" messages. Ugh. Hate it!

  2. You do have one small addition to your skin care/hair care regimen flying in from Fez next week. Call that Mary Kay woman back and tell her that only truly discerning brides have organic argan oil handpicked and hand-delivered from Morocco to make your skin and hair SHINE. Anything less and a wedding is doomed to failure. ;)